


What We Had

by kut



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Louis hurts, set in october 2015, zayn leaves, zouis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-28
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-05-23 17:51:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6125074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kut/pseuds/kut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Late at night, when Louis is alone in his room, it's the worst. When he's all alone, that's when his emotions tend to confront him. The feeling of loneliness, though he's heard of it, read of it- he's never actually felt it. But ever since Zayn left he's been feeling this burning sensation in the pit of stomach, an ache he doesn't quite know how to get rid of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What We Had

**Author's Note:**

> http://howtallareya.tumblr.com/post/132220312635/do-you-miss-him-zayn-is-there-still-times-when
> 
> http://thrina.tumblr.com/post/131705560998

Late at night, when he's alone in his room, it's the worst. When he's all alone, that's when his emotions tend to confront him. The feeling of loneliness, he's heard of it, read of it, but he's never actually felt it. And Louis feels guilty, because his life is really good. There are enough people that love him, and there are enough people that he loves in return. It's just - when you've had someone for a long time and you suddenly lose them, there's this kind of hole in your heart. Because you know exactly what it felt like to have them, but you don't anymore.

It's only 6 pm, but it's dark outside safe for the moon hanging over the Earth, meaningless but full of messages. For a fleeting second Louis thinks that maybe it's trying to tell him something - that he's just as insignificant as everybody else, that his problems are so unbelievably small compared to the enormousness of the rest of the universe. But then he bitterly reminds himself that it's dead, it's always been dead, that it only pretends to be something, pretending to shine like one of the billions of stars among itself, and so convincingly, that you feel it could actually make something grow on Earth. Like it could actually account for something good. If there's an image of his soul, Louis thinks that's what it is.

Yeah, he could be the moon. He used to be the sun, shining brightly and maybe even letting other people reflect off him. But lately, everything has been feeling forced. He's gotten so used to having the responsibility of making people happy that the second he shows just the littlest bit of gloom, he assumes that he's letting everyone down. It's just a mask now- it's not real. Not anymore, anyway.

Louis is sat on the sofa of his room in the rented house their team is staying at. It's a few days after the last concert of their tour and they're supposed to be going home one by one. Niall and Harry have already left, and Liam is next to fly down to London. The room is empty except for the few pieces of furniture, and the window is wide open, the brisk wind flowing in every few minutes makes Louis' eyes teary and he wishes he could just close them, but it feels like he's stuck. Stuck with his phone in his hand, and his eyes staring at the screen.

He's been messing about on his phone for thirty minutes now - absentmindedly scrolling through his what's app chats. One time he actually makes it as far as to opening his chat with Zayn. But he never actually writes him a message, just reads the conversations they had before Zayn abandoned him. God, he wouldn't know how to express his heartache in words.

Ever since Zayn left he's been feeling this burning sensation in the pit of stomach, an ache he doesn't quite know how to get rid of. It's absolutely dreadful, when he's in an interview and one of the hosts asks them: _Do you still miss him? Are there still times when you think "I wish he was here?"_ , And he feels the numbness start in his toes and crawl up to his heart. Of course he still misses him. Of course he still thinks about him, sometimes it's downright embarrassing the way his hands go rigid when someone mentions Zayn. It's barely been eight months.

The sofa feels soft under his back, but it does nothing to comfort him. Instead, it reminds him of the way he and Zayn would cuddle up and how being around Zayn like that would instantly calm him down. Like when Zayn chose to be reserved and passive, Louis would let go of his energetic behaviour and calm down too. No one but Zayn could do that to him.

He can hear footsteps outside of his suite, they sound bold, like the person taking them has a purpose. They stop in front of his door and before he knows it the doorhandle is being pushed down and a head turns around the corner.

It's Liam. Louis should have known.

"Are you coming to eat dinner with me? I have to go in an hour and we probably won't see each other for a while. " Liam says.

"That's deep, "Louis replies to him, smiling, "I'll be there in a second, I've got to - um, text someone."

"Cool, just don't take to long 'cause the food's warm now. " Liam answers and closes the door behind him.

His footsteps fade out just as quickly as they come back.

"Yeah soz, but can I borrow your charger? I already packed mine," Liam asks this time.

"It's on the table. Keep your fingers off your phone while charging it 'cause I know it was you who broke my charger last time." Louis says while Liam walks towards the table to get it.

"I don't know why you're pretending that was me when we both know it was Niall, he literally got himself an alibi by talking to H and-"

"Do you still think about zayn?" Louis cuts Liam off. He didn't mean to say it like that- cutting Liam off mid-sentence gives the question so much more weight. He's been wanting to ask Liam, or Harry actually, for a while now but not like this. It was meant to be a momentary inquiry, not a profound question.

Liam's head spins around rapidly. "What?" he asks, probably unsure if he heard correctly. Louis doesn't blame him; they don't talk about Zayn any more. The others find it a waste of time, nothing's going back to the way it once was, so what is discussing the situation going to do?

"I just... I still think about him. Sometimes. And I was just thinking, yeah, we never talk about him. Isn't that weird? He used to be with us all the time. It's not like, well. We can't just erase him like that, can we? I still care about him." Louis answers, doubtful at Liam's almost mocking face.

"Are you taking the piss?" Liam grins.

Louis shakes his head, "I'm not... I just think-"

"God, you're such a fool. How can you still care about him? He's gone, alright? Just fucking move on," Liam laughs as he stands across Louis with his back pressed up against the table. With the comforting white glow of the moon pouring through the open window and catching the skin of his hand that's gripping one of the chairs, the backlighting of the window makes him seem like some sort of guardian angel. Louis knows better than that.

"Yeah, I know he's gone. I fucking know. "

"Are you really still upset? We've talked about it, Lou. I thought you were over it." Liam says, and Louis feels hurt by the ease he says it with. It's so unfair how Liam can talk about Zayn like he's just someone he met in a dream, a fictious event, like Zayn was never real in the first place.

"I am, it's just... never mind. I'm being funny," Louis replies. He shouldn't have mentioned it, doesn't want to pull Liam into this endless whirlwind of misery and regret.

"No, tell me. You said it to me for a reason, didn't you?" Liam says, "Look I know it's hard. It's been hard for all of us. All of us have had to adjust to him not being here. It's-"

"Shut up," Louis says, close to laughing. For the first time since the start of the conversation about Zayn, he turns to look Liam in the eye, "Shut up, fucking shut up. How can you just say that? How can you come here and tell me that I shouldn't care about it? I'm fucking heartbroken." He's full on laughing now, his mind a whirl of _I miss him I miss him I miss him_ , and then _Nobody knows Nobody understands_.

The situation seems so funny to him then, so fucking comical, that he can't help but laugh even harder. He's laughing so hard that he has to blink back tears, though he's sure they're from distress.

Louis lets his fingers brush over the fabric of the sofa on both of his sides and pushes himself up. He glances at Liam, who looks like he's absolutely dreading the situation, like the thing he wants most is to leave the room. But Louis wouldn't let him, he won't let anyone ever leave again.

"He fucking broke my heart, do you know how that feels?" He says, and his voice breaks while he says it, "I've- I've been waiting for ages for him to ring me, text me, but nothing happens. And now it's all gone to shit, hasn't it?"

Liam shakes his head, "No, Lou-"

"All of what I've had with him. It hurts. It hurts my heart every fucking day, everywhere I go, all the fucking time. And you don't know shit about how it is to have your best friend leave you for reasons that you don't want to understand. 'Cause what we had..." Louis says, voice turning a bit breathy, "It was different. It was nothing, but it was everything at the same time. It was just us. So don't come 'round here telling me what to do or how to feel. You've never had-," He swallows, "Look, you don't need someone reassuring you everywhere you go. That's my flaw, right. I need to be loved!"

Liam smiles painfully, the milky white of the moon illuminating the forced crinkles by his eyes, "Zayn- he still loves you though. He always has and he always will. Shit like that doesn't just vanish. It's huge, s-"

"He never loved me! That's the fucking thing! Don't you get it! If he loved me then why the fuck did he leave me? Everything in my mind, it's all tangled up and I can't breathe. He said to me: I just can't do it anymore, it doesn't feel real to me. And I try to add things up, to make it fit into this perfect story of the Zayn in the beginning and the Zayn in the end. But it doesn't make sense! Nothing about it makes sense. And then I realise that the only logical explanation is that he didn't love me. That he tried to, that maybe he told himself that, so it would become true. That it would give him a reason to stay. But it never did become true. And so he left. There's nothing more to it. God!" Louis says, bringing his hands up to his hair. He feels the words cut right through him. It has to be the realest thing he's said in months. He feels every single word sting in the back of his throat, begging for him to take them back. It's too late now, though.

"And I try to hate him, I want to hate him so bad, but..." Louis swallows, feeling that he's on the edge of a massive breakdown. After a moment of silence, in which he lets the words he's about to say float through his head, he starts speaking again, "I can't. Because I love him so much, Liam. I love him so fucking much. "

Then he really starts to cry. Once the first tear breaks free, the rest follows in an unbroken stream. Louis bends forward from where he's standing in front of the couch, facing Liam. He presses his ice numb palms into the wood, crouches on the floor and he begins to cry with the force of a thousand car crashes at once.

"Fuck," He exhales, turning away from Liam. "Please go away."

"Lou, what- Are you okay?" Liam asks, and the words hit Louis like a bolt of lightning. In that moment, the realisation that he's not okay, that he hasn't been okay ever since Zayn told him that he wouldn't be coming back, is at the front of his mind, burning, and he hates it.

"I asked you to leave," Louis says, exasparated. After a moment of hesitation, he hears Liam walk towards the door, the wood floor creaking with every step he takes. _Zayn would stay_ , he thinks.

Liam's hand on the door handle. Another step. Then he speaks up again: "Do you need anyone?"

It's such a vile thing to say. Because Liam knows the answer, he fucking has to. It's Zayn. The answer is always going to be Zayn. "Just go," Louis says.

"Call me when you're feeling okay again, I probably won't see you tonight- I mean, my flight is in a few hours." Liam whispers. And then he leaves.

He cries about it for a while. And then he's just angry. And terribly, so that it slowly seems to consume his normally exciting and amiable demeanour. His nostrils flare, his eyes flash- almost like a volcano spewing its emotions into the darkness. He's furious at himself for taking Zayn for granted while he still had him, for not being able to contain himself while Liam was in the room. And maybe a bit at Zayn too, because Louis never got a say in anything.

It seems like his once passive emotions have turned into rage and anger, fury and resentment and he considers it for a while. Considers his feelings and how fucked up everything is. He could sit here, in the cold draft of this room and be angry but, what's that going to do?

Another gust of cold air hits him in the face. He can hear gravel snap beneath the tires of a car outside, it's probably Liam.

Things are quiet for a while then, except for Louis' thoughts, moving around at a 1000 miles per hour, driving him mad, tiring him out.

He stands up from where he's sat on the floor and takes a few strides towards the window. Its dampness blurs the trees outside but the moonlight is still robust, creating shapes on the opposite wall. With shaking hands he closes the window as well as the curtains, muting out every sound trying to make its way in.

His fury fades out, contiously and consisent. Maybe it was just a side-effect of the moonlight. Maybe the fake lighting made his emotions appear more valid than they actually were.

God, he should just text Zayn. What has he got to lose? Zayn's already left.

His phone, left abandoned on the sofa, looks scary in the dark. It stares up at Louis as though it knows exactly that he's thinking about texting Zayn and it doesn't agree. Shaking his head, Louis lets out a short laugh - it's all just an excuse, isn't it? He's just making up reasons why not to do it now. The only one stopping himself from reaching out to Zayn is himself, not his phone.

It feels heavy in his hand, and so does his stomach. He hesitates, but then he thinks, why would Zayn reject him? He was never one to hold a grudge. Still, his hand trembles and his heart stutters.

\---

He does it, in the end. Sends him a message. Even though it doesn't say a lot and lacks of real sentiment, he feels immensely proud of himself. It's almost ironic, how at the beginning of this night he felt so full of emptiness and now he would almost say that he's content.

He goes to bed feeling the same way. Like nothing can touch him, like this period of sorrow is finally going to end. In the minutes before complete blankness consumes his normally thought-ridden mind, he imagines a reunion with Zayn.

\---

When he wakes up his mind is fuzzy, the last remnants of a dream still being chased away by the realisation that he's awake again. A nice dream if you will, but the details are slowly fading away as he allows his brain to focus. When he opens his eyes he is briefly blinded with the bright autumn sunlight that cuts the room in half. Somewhere during the night, someone must have come in and opened the curtains while he was asleep. He pulls the duvet up over his head as to try and keep the thoughts out. It doesn't work, his brain is awake now and already thinking about it. The sun's vibrant rays send a glossy, gold sheen all around the room, blending with colour of his mind.

His phone lies exactly where he put it before he went to bed. It's a scary thought, that figuratively speaking, Zayn is only a foot away from him.

A thrilling sensation overcomes Louis' mind. He feels warm- one might even say that it resembles happiness. Being without Zayn was just a phase that he had to get through, and he supposes that it made him a stronger person.

He pushes the duvet off his body and stretches. Everything's going to be good again. It'd be unfair if his life continued being this fucked up. He deserves something good now.

He reaches for his phone and unlocks it.

No messages.

That's fine, he sent it late at night, Zayn probably hasn't seen it yet.

With shaking hands he opens their chat - that is when his heart stops.

Because at the top of his screen, right under Zayn's name, it says, bolded: **Last online: 3 minutes ago**.

And under his message it reads, in italics: _Read: 1.34 am_ _._

Suddenly there is an aura of grey around him. A mist that doesn't rise. A state of depression that he can't see himself through.

It feels like his heart has been ripped out. Like the giant hole that had been filled throughout the night has been opened again, and the empty void in the place where his heart should be has reappeared.

It feels like there is a load of pressure on his back, but at the same time it feels liberating.

What has he really got to live for now?

**Author's Note:**

> was it ok ?


End file.
